Eight days: Days six, seven, and eight

The last leg of Andy's hospital stay was rather uneventful, which was a welcome reprieve from the previous days of chaos. I spent quite a bit of time at the hospital, just sitting with him while we waited for his digestive system to start moving again. The doctors wanted his system to start working before they would feel comfortable releasing him. It was really a lot of waiting and, unfortunately, a lot of pain for poor Andy. We originally thought he might be out on day seven or eight, which would have been on a Sunday or Monday but things were slow to start so he wasn't actually released until Tuesday afternoon.

The whole debacle didn't end with the hospital stay, the next few weeks at home were really rough. I stayed home from work that first week to take care of him, which was needed because he could barely get up and down the stairs with help. I guess perhaps the title of this post should be days six through fourteen, but I'm not really going to document the weeks at home since it's mostly boring recovery stuff.

I'm happy to say its been nearly a month since this incident and Andy is doing well physically. We are both a little emotionally drained. I can't even begin to describe how scary and upsetting this whole ordeal was. I wrote these posts to hopefully help myself get over this and move forward. I think that it's working. Some days I still look at Andy and fear grips my heart and I have to fight off tears. I came so close to losing that wonderful man, my best friend, I just can't believe it, and I can't believe by some miracle he is still here, smiling at me. But those days are coming further apart and my hope is one day not too far down the line I will be able to look back and just remember this as a bad time in our lives.

If you have read this series of posts to this point I have to thank you. Thank you for sharing in my fear, in my sadness, and for helping me to get over this terrible incident. It's really lovely to know there is someone out there reading our story.

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Eight Days: Day Five, Surgery Day

First, I want to apologize for how long it has taken me to post this. The whole hospital trip was a nightmare, I thought just going through it was hard but re-living it and trying to write out my feelings about it has been even more difficult. I know that I don't have to put this out there and there is no need to make such a personal experience public, but I'm really struggling to get past this event and Andy and I firmly believe that writing it out will help me get over it, so let's get on with it, shall we?

Day five was surgery day, was a day of waiting. Waiting for them to take him to pre-op, waiting for them to take him to surgery, waiting for him to get out of surgery and waiting to be able to see him. Andy and I had decided that I would go to work that morning and work until he called to tell me they were going to take him down to pre-op. Every single person at worked asked why the heck I was there, but the truth was I was grateful to be doing something to occupy my mind. At around noon my parents called to let me know they were in town. I decided at that point I needed to leave, I was too distracted to be of much help at work. It worked out well because Andy called on my way to meet my parents to let me know they would be taking him to pre-op in an hour or so. I met my parents at the house and we decided to grab some lunch before we went to the hospital.

We got to the hospital around 1:20 and were there for about 10 minutes before they came to take him to pre-op. We were directed to the waiting room, where I was given some information and a pager thing (like the ones you get in a restaurant) that would buzz anywhere in the hospital when he was out of surgery. Once they got Andy settled in pre-op we were allowed to go and sit with him until he went back. This turned into a nearly five hour wait. It was ridiculous and nerve-racking. Luckily enough I had my iPad so it helped us pass the time, but it was so frustrating to not know when he would be going. Barb (Andy's mom) arrived around 5:00 and joined in the never-ending wait. Eventually the doctor came to speak with us about the surgery. The basic idea was that they were going to go in laprascopically and see if it really was Meckel's, then depending on the size of the inflammation they would remove it laprascopically but if it was too inflamed they would have to open him up. Obviously we were hoping for the former, which takes less recovery time, but there was no way to know until they were in there.

Around 7:00PM they took him back to surgery and all that we could do was wait. My parents ventured out to check on the dogs and grab us all some dinner. After about an hour and fifteen minutes the surgeon came in to let us know everything had gone perfectly, they had gotten the Meckel's out through a small incision in his abdomen and he would be sent back to his room in a little while. My parents had to head home a little after this, so Barb and I waited for word on when he would be moved to his room. This wait wasn't too long, though we were the last group in the waiting room for the night. We had actually decided to move out of the waiting room so the cleaning people could get in there when the phone rang to let us know he was going up to his room.

Seeing Andy after surgery was hard because he was in a lot of pain and very uncomfortable, but I was so happy that we were over the hump. I thought once the surgery was done everything was going to be downhill (for the most part it was), we had gotten through a really difficult thing and while he was still going to have to get through recovery, I didn't feel so worried anymore. We didn't stay too long with Andy because he was uncomfortable, in pain, and tired, plus it was going on 11:00. We headed back to the house and I actually got to have a pretty decent nights sleep.

Eight Days: Day Three and Four

I had every intention of getting up early on that Wednesday but I ended up sleeping until 8:30. I had my alarm set but I think I shut it off in a sleepy daze and went back to sleep for another hour. My mom and Barb both convinced me that I needed the sleep but I was a little mad at myself for oversleeping. We got to the hospital around 9:30 and saw that Andy had already swallowed the pill camera and it was snapping pictures inside him like the paparazzi trailing the celeb du jour. He was still in the CCU but they were going to move him to a regular room at some point during the day. We decided to sit and chat for a bit but by 11:30 he seemed to need a nap so we opted to head out for lunch.

We headed to the Cracker Barrel, which had sounded good to everyone. On the drive there my mom had decided that since Andy was looking so much better and being moved out of the CCU she could probably go home. I didn't want her to go but I knew she needed to get back to work. Barb had also mulled over the idea of leaving, since it seemed Andy was on the mend and there wasn't a lot to do besides wait. We all had a delicious lunch then headed back to the house to check on the dogs and I also wanted to do some cleaning. Around 1:30 I got a text from Andy saying he was being moved and letting me know his new room number. I was pretty excited so we decided to head back to the hospital pretty quickly. We all decided to drive separately this time because the moms had both decided to head home and I was going to stay at the hospital for a while.

When we got there we checked Andy's new room but he wasn't there. I asked a nurse at the station where he was and after some phone calls we found out they had decided to take him down to the nuclear lab to do another test. We were told it was going to be about thirty minutes, my mom was anxious to get going so she decided to head out. Barb and I waited in the family waiting area until Andy texted to say he was back in his room.

It was amazing how different he looked that afternoon, he was brighter and his complexion wasn't so pale, I could just tell he was feeling better. I think the fact that he was going to be allowed to eat that night was also a big help as he hadn't eaten since Monday morning. Barb and I visited for a while and found out that the nuclear test they were doing was to see if Andy had a rare birth defect called Meckle's Diverticulum. Andy was fairly certain that wasn't it because it was so rare and most symptoms appear before the age of two, but the doctor hadn't found anything yet so it was worth a shot. We wouldn't have the results of that test until later in the day or the next morning. Barb left after a short visit so she could get home before it got dark, which left just Andy and I for the rest of the afternoon. I didn't actually stay much longer because I wanted to take a nap and decompress a bit. I told Andy I would come back after dinner .

To be honest, Wednesday evening is a bit fuzzy in my mind. I know I went home and tried to nap, I got some food at some point and I went back to the hospital. I'll blame the total lack of sleep for this and skip ahead to Thursday

The biggest news came on Thursday, which was good because I got up super early and got to the hospital before the doctor came in to talk to Andy.The tests results from the day before concluded that Andy had a congenital defect called Meckel's Diverticulum.  Basically, somewhere in his small intestine was a small area where there were stomach and pancreatic cells, these cells act like the stomach, producing stomach acid which had eroded Andy's small intestine and caused the bleeding. Why it waited 32 years to become symptomatic they didn't know but they did know that this meant that he would have to have surgery. The doctor said the surgeon would be in at some point during the day to talk to him.Unfortunately the surgeon didn't stop by until after 11:00PM Thursday night because there was some miscommunication and I had gone home and to bed at that point. With a fairly definitive diagnosis I felt comfortable going into work that night, but spent the majority of the day at the hospital with Andy and came back before I went home for the night.

Eight Days: Day Two

I woke up around 6:30 on Tuesday morning after maybe three hours of sleep. I decided to just shower and get on with it because I really wanted to get back to the hospital to see what was happening. I got ready fairly quickly and then took the dogs out. Michelle had slept on the living room couch and was sitting there when I went downstairs. I told her what had happened the night before and thanked her profusely for being there for me and helping out. She had to get to work that morning so she took off, leaving just me and my mom. We were ready to go by 8 so we were to the hospital by 8:05. I seriously cannot say enough how wonderful it was to have the hospital so close.

Once at the hospital we hit up Tim Horton's for some coffee and a donut, (it was so nice to have some different options from the regular cafeteria food) then headed up to Andy's room. It was such a relief to see him that morning. It seemed the atmosphere in the room was much more relaxed and less hurried. He seemed to look better even though he was obviously uncomfortable, he wasn't as pale or confused as the night before, which was wonderful for me. He told me that they were going to take him for a colonoscopy and an endoscopy some time today to see if they could find the source of the bleeding. He was nervous about this but I told him that it needed to be done so we could get him out of there. My mom and I ended up staying a couple hours until it looked like Andy needed a rest. I knew his mom, Barb, would be to our house soon and I thought it'd be best to wait for her there.

We returned home but it was such a nice day we decided to run the dogs to the dog park so they could exert some energy. We got back to the house right about the same time that Andy's mom got there. We got her settled in and then took her to the hospital to see Andy. I think this shook me up some because she hadn't seen him the night before and he definitely looked bad. We all visited for a little bit but decided to leave a little before his procedures so we could grab lunch. I asked his day nurse Larissa to call me when he was out and able to see us. The three of us ran to Wendy's for lunch and then went back to the house. We all decided to take a nap while we waited for Andy's nurse to call.I think I slept maybe an hour and a half. I got up and waited downstairs with Barb for the phone call, they called around 4:30 and we went right over to see him.

At the hospital we spoke with Andy's nurse who told us that the doctor didn't see anything in the upper GI or the lower GI. The next step was for Andy to swallow a little pill camera that would take pictures of his small intestine, which would be done the next day. He was kind of groggy from the meds they gave him but we sat with him until 5:30 when we decided we needed to get back to the house. My sister-in-law had sweetly offered to bring over dinner for everyone and as an added bonus we got to see my nephews who can light up any bad day.

She got to the house around 6:30ish and brought City BBQ which was delicious. We all sat around and played with the boys after dinner. I sent videos to Andy, which helped to cheer him up. My older nephew Charlie got caught in our cat tree, which was hi-larious, and I may have taken a video with my phone rather than helped him. They hung around until 8ish and after that I got the moms settled in and decided to sneek back to the hospital.

Once I got there Andy seemed more alert and up and his nurse, Mike,from the night before was back. I really liked him because he said that I could visit whenever instead of during regular visiting hours, plus he told us everything he knew about Andy's case as simply and concisely as possible. He answered every one of my questions. It was great to have such a wonderful staff of nurses for Andy, it really helped make me feel at ease. After talking with Mike, I slipped off my shoes and crawled into Andy's hospital bed with him. We held hands and talked. I told him I was scared, he told me not to worry. We talked about anything and everything and to be honest I didn't want to leave that night. I wanted to sleep at Andy's bedside, holding his hand for dear life, because even though it seemed he was out of the woods, I couldn't help but fear that he would slip away in the night while I slept right down the road. I eventually started drifting off right next to Andy and he convinced me to go home. He knew my fears and assured me that I wouldn't be getting rid of him that easily. I left around 10:30 and headed home.

At home I said a quick hello to Barb who told me my mom had gone to bed earlier. I headed up to bed but decided to read for an hour or two to relax my mind. I ended up reading until almost one in the morning before letting myself try to sleep.

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Eight days: Day one.

Warning: Parts of this post may be graphic.

This post was one of the most difficult I have had to write, but I know in order to heal that I needed to write about the worst eight days of my life. I need to get it out and write about how I feel. More than that I think our friends and family would like to know what happened to Andy, why he suddenly was in the hospital.

October 22 I woke up around 8:30 and went downstairs to see Andy. He made a face when I walked in and I asked him what was wrong, he told me that he wasn't feeling good, that he was having some diarrhea and there was some blood. I was concerned, but told him to just keep an eye on it and if it got worse he should go to Urgent Care. We both went about our morning routines, Andy working in his office upstairs and me cleaning a bit and having my coffee downstairs. A few hours later I wandered upstairs to see how work was going and he was feeling. He told me he had another bout and I suggested he go to Urgent Care just to get checked out and make sure it wasn't something serious. He hemmed and hawed a bit but agreed to go. I stayed home to get ready for work and waited for Andy's call.

Around 12:45 he called and said the doctor couldn't do anything and suggested he either go to the emergency room or drop off a sample at a lab. I felt that the ER was a better bet and told him I was calling into work so I could take him. We are very fortunate in that the hospital right down the road from our house and also accepts our insurance so we went there. We got in fairly quickly for the ER and were talking to a doctor by 3:00. They decided to do a CT scan and try to collect a sample to get a better idea of what was going on. They couldn't see anything on the scan but the doctor was fairly certain there was an upper GI bleed somewhere, and by 6 they decided to admit Andy hoping to do an endoscopy in the morning. I was worried but hopeful at this point. We texted family to let them know what was going on and I decided to run out for some food and pick up some stuff from home for Andy since they said it would be a little while for transfer.

As I left I got a text from my mom asking if I needed her down here, I called and told her yes, it would be great if she could be here because I was scared. She told me she wouldn't get down here until late, maybe around ten but she would be there. I don't know why I asked her to come down but I am so, so grateful that I did. After that call, I ran home first and grabbed some comfy pants for Andy and the blanket I made him last year for his birthday, also let the dogs out and played with them a little. It was here I had a little breakdown, I cried for a minute, so worried about Andy. I pulled myself together and left the house to go get something to eat. I returned to the hospital around 7:30, just in time for them to move Andy to a regular room. We headed up to his room and I got him settled and sat with him a while. I met his nurse, plugged in his charger for his phone, chatted a little and decided to leave around nine so I could take care of the dogs. I kissed Andy goodbye and told him I'd see him first thing in the morning.

I came back to the house, fed the dogs and made myself a cup of hot chocolate with some Bailey's in it, topped it with some whipped cream and settled on the couch to wait for my mom. I sipped and watched some TV, I can't remember what. At 9:30 my phone rang, I saw the number, and thought it was the hospital. I remember thinking there was probably a problem with some paperwork or something. I answered:

"Hello"

"Hi, is this Amanda?"

"Yes it is."

"This is Andy's nurse at the hospital. There is a bit of a problem here and you need to come back. I was taking Andy to the bathroom and he lost consciousness and started bleeding profusely."

"Oh, my God." I started to hyperventilate.

"Now calm down, he told me to tell you that if you freak out he is going to kill you."

A strangled laugh came out, that was so something Andy would say.

"Ok."

"I need you to calmly and quickly come back to the hospital. Be safe. We are taking care of him."

"Ok, goodbye."

I remember feeling a thousand things in those moments with that nurse on the phone. I was so scared, I felt so small, so out of control, so lost. I hung up and raced out of the house as quickly as my body would allow. It was awkward because I was shaking all over and crying. As I left our subdivision I called one of my good friends, Michelle. She lives not to far from us but I knew in those moments that I had to be in control of my car she would be able to keep me focused long enough to get to the hospital and she did. She told me not to worry, that he was in good hands, that he would be okay. She offered to come to the hospital but I refused. Let me get there and assess the situation, I said. I think I was in denial about how bad it was. Once I got to the hospital and off the phone with Michelle I called my Mom. I repeated the phone conversation to her as I walked into the hospital. She told me she would be there soon and I got off the phone to let her drive. In the hospital I headed back to Andy's room, when the elevator doors opened I think I knew it was bad, his roommate sat in a wheelchair at the desk, commotion and organized chaos took place down the hallway. I asked the nurse at the nurses sation where to go. She informed me that they hadn't moved Andy yet, but to go wait in the room he was being transferred to in the critical care unit. I walked the halls to the critical care unit and went into an empty room with no chairs. A nurse walked by and saw me, I can only imagine I looked like a little girl, scared and confused, she asked if she could help. I told her they were moving my husband to the CCU and I was told to wait here. She told me it would be better if I waited in the waiting room and offered to walk me there. It was during that walk I burst into tears, repeating I don't know what happened about five times. She rubbed my back and said I know. I walked into the CCU waiting room and about two dozen sets of sad eyes looked at me. People were huddled together with their families, praying, talking quietly, some even sleeping. These people knew what I felt, I could see it as they looked at me. I found a chair and sobbed quietly to myself. I decided I needed someone and called Michelle to come. I needed a hand to hold and my mom wasn't going to be there quick enough. She told me she would be there soon and that was enough for me to calm down.

I had to make some phone calls to Andy's family and it wouldn't be good for me to be hysterical on the phone. I scrolled through my numbers and decided to call Andy's brother Adam first because he is a nurse and I figured he could shed some light on what was going on. I really don't remember the conversation, but I know he was very calm and that helped me. Next I called Andy's other brother Matt and his wife Lauren to let them know, they decided to call Andy's mom for me, which was good because my panic was building and I didn't want to freak her out.

After the calls were made I had some time to myself, a million thoughts ran through my head. What is going on? Why is this happening? What are they doing? Is he going to be okay? Is he going to die? What am I going to do? I felt small and defeated. The worst part wasn't the worry, or the fear, or the confusion, it was that the one person I wanted to talk to, who can always calm me down, and is always there for me was somewhere in the hospital, his life hanging on the line. I have had to face many things in my life, but this by far was the biggest challenge. My best friend, my soul mate, could possibly be dying and I couldn't talk to him about it, I couldn't hug him, hold his hand, or just simply hear his voice, that was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, because he wasn't at my side to walk me through it.

After what felt like an eternity Michelle arrived at the hospital and sat with me. Not long after my mom arrived and I had hands to hold and shoulders to lean on. I am so grateful for those two, they made an unbearable wait a little bit easier. At 10:40 a nurse named Mike came into the waiting room calling for Andy's family. I ran to him, hoping for any shred of news. He walked my mom and I back to Andy's room, explaining what was happening. Andy had passed out when he had been taken to the bathroom earlier in the evening, he started bleeding profusely and had lost one third of his blood (later in the week we would learn it was actually half of his blood, which makes this even scarier), he went into stage three shock, they had to call a rapid response team to revive him, his hemoglobin/red blood cell count went from 15 to 9, they had to insert an IV into his femoral vein so that they could do a blood transfusion. They were going to take him to nuclear medicine to see if they could figure out where the blood was coming from, but we could see him for a minute before they took him.

We walked to his room and I when I saw him I started to shake, he was awake, eyes open, looking at me. I was so grateful that he was awake but he didn't look like my Andy. He was pale, almost grey, he looked so small, hooked up to so many machines, but at least he was awake. I sat on the edge of the bed and touched his face, he held my hand and I told him he scared the hell out of me. He said he was sorry, and I laughed because it was funny that he thought it was in his control. We stayed only a minute before he had to be wheeled off and it was back to the CCU waiting room.

In the waiting room I confessed to Michelle that I thought I may have left my hot chocolate on the coffee table and I was worried that the dogs would drink it. She volunteered to go to our house and check on them. It was such a silly worry at the time but she took it seriously. She left and went to our house where my hot chocolate was on the island and the dogs were fine. She fed the cats and offered to stay with the dogs who seemed upset by my sudden departure and absence. This left my mom and I at the hospital to wait for Andy's testing to be done. We talked and drank coffee, trying to stay awake and distract ourselves. Eventually my mom dozed off and I took to wandering the halls of the hospital because sitting was driving me crazy. I eventually found myself in the the hospital chapel. I should state that I have a very complicated relationship with God (that's a post for a different time) but somehow wandering into that chapel helped me get through that night. I sat in the utter silence of that small chapel, an island of serenity in a sea of madness, and I did a thing I don't often do, I prayed. I knew better than to ask God to save Andy, God will take those he chooses to take and if he was choosing to take Andy I knew I couldn't change his mind. I asked Him to please be with us all, to watch over and protect us, to help me get through this difficult time, to never let Andy feel alone, to help the doctors find the cause. It was a short prayer, but it helped me to calm my nerves. I stood up and read the book that was left at the altar for visitors to sign, many wrote that they were thankful for the healing of their loved ones, I hoped I could write that soon.

I returned to the waiting room and saw that it was nearly 1:30AM I decided to check to see if Andy was back to his room and he was. I got my mom and we sat with him for a few minutes. The test didn't reveal any bleeding, the doctors had decided to do a colonoscopy and an endoscopy in the morning, there was nothing more they could do tonight but let Andy rest. We left the hospital around 2:00AM.

At home I took a sleeping pill, got my mom settled in the guest room and took the dogs to bed. Normally they get kenneled at night but I couldn't bare to sleep in that big bed alone, knowing Andy was right down the road in the critical care unit. I couldn't sleep, though I knew I had to, even it was just a bit. Eventually I fell into a fitful sleep only to wake up every half an hour terrified I had missed a call from the hospital, terrified Andy was dying.

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