Thank you, Eugenia*

There are a million things in my life that I can't control. I can't control the weather, I can't control other people or their actions, I can't control a lot of things, but I can control me. I can control my actions, my words, my attitude. Things aren't positive for us, the punches keep coming, between car accidents, cars breaking down, money being stolen out of our account, and our rental company trying to screw us, things don't feel great. Andy, my perfectly positive cheerleader of a husband has even been brought down by our circumstances lately. Usually I would be right there with him, usually I would cry, yell and be down.  However, last night driving home I just had a moment, a moment where I realized that I can't control or change all of that. What I can control is my attitude about all the things happening to us right now. I have to be positive, I have to be encouraging, I have to be strong because if I am not, I think the overwhelming hurt of what is happening would crush me. So this time I will be the cheerleader, I will be positive, I will adopt the mantra that everything will get better because it will. I have to believe that God has a plan for us, I have to believe that with each other my husband and I can get through anything because that is the only thing I have control over. My attitude may not be able to change our circumstances but it can help us get through it together.

*There is a book I read when hard times hit, it's by Yevgenia  Ginzburg a Russian Gulag survivor, her book "Journey into the Whirlwind" tells about her years of imprisonment and her battle to survive. To read about a human beings absolute determination to live always inspires me and reminds me that my life is just not that hard. One of my favorite quotes from her book is as follows, "I intended to survive. Just to spite them."

Drum roll please

It's not actually that dramatic, at least I don't think it is. If you have been keeping up I have been discussing the fact that things haven't been that great around the SalTal household as far as Andy's job is concerned. Well the past couple weeks have brought some changes for us and I think that it is a really fantastic change for both of us. Andy is taking his old job back. I know some people are thinking "But it's in Toledo, right?" and it is except that they wanted him back so badly that they agreed to let him work from home, which is fantastic news for us. I'm so happy for him because I know he loved his old job and the reasons he left were because I couldn't find work in that area. This is kind of the best of both worlds for now. This may mean that we eventually will move back to Toledo, which we are both more than okay with, we miss our friends up there and we enjoyed the dynamics of that city a little more than Columbus but for now we will remain in Columbus where we are both employed. This means Andy will be traveling again, which I wasn't okay with at first but the more I thought about it the more the idea grew on me. The reason I hated him traveling so much previously was because I wasn't working and didn't have a lot to do. I think that working for me is going to make his traveling much easier on me. I'm so excited that at the end of the day Andy is going to be happy, that means so much to me.

In the mean time we only have Andy's work computer working right now which is the reason for the limited posting. Have a great week everyone!

If I could turn back time...

...if I could find a way. I would take back Thursday. Thursday was awful. Thursday I got up super early to go to my parents house to pick up their puppy to watch while they go on a cruise (jealous). I was tired, my reflexes weren't up to par and I was also driving the truck which is much bigger which means longer stop time. I think you see where this is going, when I was in the home stretch, like 20 minutes from home, the car in front of me got cut off and I couldn't stop in time, I rear-ended them. No one was hurt, thank God, He was watching out for all of us that day and I realize it could have been worse but it was still awful. I got cited of course and the truck took some front end damage. The insurance is going to cover everything and the truck should be fixed next week but it was a really trying day. I don't ever want to drive again. I am serious. I really don't care for driving in the first place, this made it worse. I'm just really upset that it happened in the first place, I'm embarrassed really, but I know that it could happen to anyone, it just doesn't feel like that. I'm thankful that my husband was there for me, was so understanding and helped me through the whole day.

In other news, we have some news, some big news that will be posted tomorrow or Monday.

Tough Questions

I wrote my realization post yesterday but I wanted Andy to read through it before I posted it so it didn't get posted until today. Since that post I have a lot more to say that didn't quite fit in with the rest of the post. That post prompted a lot of tough questions both in my head and between the two of us. What do we really want? Where do we want to be? What will make us happy?  What really matters at the end of the day? Is one persons happiness more important than the other? Like I said, really hard questions.

I think that we have some answers but some answers just lead to more questions. I think we know we really want to be happy and have our lives together. The question that leads to is what is going to make us happy? Is it moving out of Columbus? Moving back to Toledo? Buying a house so we aren't under the thumb of someone else? Is it a different job for Andy? A different job for me? The list is endless.

I know for a fact that a different job wouldn't make me happy, I love my jobs. I look forward to work everyday, that's a rarity and I know it. A different job would make Andy happy, this I do know, but the job he would love isn't here. In that lies the entire answer to where we should live, so the real question is his happiness more important than mine? I may make some feminists cringe with this sentence that I type, but I think that in the long run his happiness does. Please let me explain before you throw me to the lions. I love my jobs, I do believe that it is important for woman to be able to work and support herself, I believe that firmly. However, it has always been my dream to be able to stay at home with my kids (the reasons for which are a post for another time) and I firmly believe that feminism is more about woman having a choice. I have the choice to stay home with my kids or work and that is a beautiful thing. So my jobs, as much as I love them both, aren't really going to matter in a couple years, for my husband it will matter a lot if he goes to work happy or not. I guess that I am not really saying that his happiness matters more than mine, I think I am saying that the happiness that I experience in my jobs isn't going to compare to the happiness I will feel staying home with my children. So if I had to give up my jobs right now in order for us to get to where we need to be in order to have the life we want, I would. I wouldn't be happy about it, but I wouldn't be completely depressed either, it's just a sacrifice I'm willing to make to get what I really want.

Realization

Over the holidays Andy and I had a lot of time to do some soul searching and we talked a lot. We talked about kids, our future, where we were and where we would like to be. It was amazing to connect with my husband like that. Between my two jobs which are primarily second shift and his job we rarely have time like that where we can just talk and laugh. I think I realized how much I miss him, even more I got to see how truly unhappy he is right now, which is killing me. My husband is not a negative person, he is as happy go lucky as they come so for him to be down I know that something is up. I'm tried my hardest (and am still trying) to raise his spirits, I think I'm doing an okay job of it, but I know that things need to change in order for him to get out of his funk After talking to him about it, I think that he made me realize that we neither of us are happy. I mean we are happy together, our marriage is solid, in fact it rocks, but I mean with other stuff. I mean I love my jobs, L-O-V-E, love them, but is that really enough? And that's just me, what about Andy? We have family nearby, which is fantastic but our schedules are kind of  oppressive and don't leave a lot of room for social time. Our living situation and budget are so restrictive that we have to weigh the cost of everything we do before we do it. It's not exactly living the high life. In fact it's pretty miserable. We miss our friends, I miss my family, we miss the town that we basically grew up in, where we met and fell in love, and yet I can't help but feel that maybe we haven't given this place a chance. We have problems but no solution. For the first time in a long time I just don't know what to do and neither does Andy, usually between the two of us we can fix any problem, but not this time.

A New Year

Hi all! Sorry to have dropped off the face of the planet, but since my last post I have basically done nothing but work, sleep and eat. I was off for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the day after Christmas, but we were traveling all over to visit with family which was awesome.

Anyway, it's weird to think this year is almost over. I mean I got married this year, graduated college, moved to a new city, expanded our family, quit a job, and started two new jobs. It's been a big year for us. I'm hoping that 2011 is a little calmer, but I doubt it will for us. Although we've had a lot of positive going on this year there are some scars of negativity that I recall. The first six months of this year were a certain kind of hell (minus our wedding and honeymoon) losing a "friend", my job search, and some various health issues. It hasn't all been easy, but it's been manageable because I have a great partner on my side. So when it came time about a month ago to decide how to end 2010 and who with, we went through the list of usual friends and family and called around to see what was happening. Then I remembered, it all came flooding back to me.

I remembered last New Year's Eve when we tried to have a party and only 3 (very dedicated and awesome friends) showed up, not in that group a supposed best friend that said she'd show but didn't, and I had to take Pepper Anne to the emergency vet after getting hit in the eye with a ball (accident). Then the year before we tried to do a couples thing. Plan was for us and my "friend" and her boyfriend to head out to the bars for a bit, go to a party and have an awesome time. Until friend's idiot boyfriend called breaking up with her an hour before we were suppose to go out. Yeah, that was a great night. The only New Year's Eve that we haven't had a fiasco was the first one we spent together. I think we had planned to go out to a party, but Andy had been traveling a lot recently so we stayed at his apartment. We drank a lot, talked a lot, snuggled a lot, and had one of the best New Year's ever. I had so much fun that I drunkenly proposed. That was an AWESOME night. So that's what we're doing this year. This year we are not hosting or attending any party. We are going to have a nice dinner out, go to the Wildlights at the zoo and then home to drink into the wee hours of the night. I'm excited and crossing my fingers that it is drama-free.

What are your plans for tonight?

Opposites attract

I have an unexpected morning off so I thought what better thing to occupy my time than to blog! So Andy and I obviously have a lot in common, we love to read, we have common goals and values, and family is our number one priority. However, we have opposite views on a few things. Like Christmas, he is all about the practical gifts, examples? Stuff Andy has asked for this year: Long underwear, sweaters, wool socks. I on the other hand, think that Christmas is a time when I get to be a tiny bit frivolous, I get to give some fun stuff, some useless stuff, or something I would never buy for myself. Examples? A kindle, video games, an mp3 player. I rest my case. This is how I roll with Christmas, I want it to be fun. However, this year I'm having a really hard time.

I don't know if it's the insanely strict budget we have been on or the fact that I am actually becoming a (gulp) grownup but I'm having a really hard time shopping for fun things this year. Every gift I think about buying for Andy goes through a rigorous mind test "How much will he use it? What purpose does it serve? How much space will it take up? Does he really need this?" and usually the answer comes up short. I mean seriously, I'm not even halfway done shopping for him. Usually I'm done in November, but this year it. is. hard. I mean in past years I've done a kick ass job if I do say so myself. Some examples: Red Wings Jersey, Califone Record player, Hans Solo Mr. Potato Head. Maybe my creativity is just spent? My best friend since elementary school is going to be in town this week and we're meeting up tomorrow so I am hoping some creative juices get flowing or she can push me along so maybe I can get something great for my husband our first married Christmas together.

Cross fingers for me please!